TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR WALT DISNEY WORLD VACATION IS NOT GOING WELL
10. Your Mears driver cruises by all the Orlando adult entertainment venues on your way to the Art of Animation Resort.
9. The severely discounted Disney tickets you bought at a booth on 192 have something about Holy Land Experience written on them.
8. The only ADR you can get is for the Frontierland Turkey Leg cart at 10:30 AM.
7. The only motion exhibited by the Yeti in Expedition Everest is flipping you off.
6. You are surrounded by a contingent of Birthers in the Hall of Presidents.
5. The trainee server at Kona Cafe asks you how you would like your sushi cooked.
4. Three of the little French characters in It's a Small World can be seen peeing into the canal ahead of you.
3. Illuminations is cancelled and replaced by the Brazilian Tour Group Day-Glo T-Shirt Parade
2. Your My Magic + wristband malfunctions causing the Orlando airport X-ray device to provide you with a reasonably thorough colonoscopy.
1. The bus driver taking you to the Magic Kingdom looks a lot like Steve Buscemi.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DISNEY WORLD ATTRACTION OPERATOR IS NUTS
10. When you give the attendant your FastPass, he chews it up and swallows it.
9. Your Pirates of the Caribbean boat loading cast member asks you to deliver a lunch bag to Pirate #23 near the bridge.
8. When you ask how to make Dumbo move up and down, the operator says, "Just pull my finger."
7. The It's a Small World cast member tells you he is engaged to the third little French girl on the left.
6. The Space Mountain operator tells you the start button is in his left front pocket.
5. The stretch room host in Haunted Mansion smells of chloroform.
4. The Magic Carpets of Aladdin operator offers you naked pictures of Princess Jasmine.
TOP TEN OCCUPATIONAL INJURIES AT WALT DISNEY WORLD
10. FastPass Gas
9. World Showcase chafing
8. The "cutes"
7. Premature animation
6. Dole Whiplash
5. Mickey Bar freezer burn
4. Painful Rectal Stitch
3. TTA ADHD
2. Moldy Water Smell Psychosis
Soarin'- Induced Male Pattern Baldness
TOP TEN REJECTED "LIMITED TIME MAGIC" CELEBRATIONS
10. St. Swithins' Day Steak and Kidney Pie Eating Contest
9. Arbor Day Tree of Life Climbing Event
8. Labor Day "Union Bustin' Bonanza" in Frontierland
7. Fall Equinox Tribute to Wiccans
6. Summer Dog Days "Everything Pluto" Celebration
5. Election Day Rider Suppression Activities
4. Epcot Bastille Day Haute Couture Soirée and Beheadings
3. Back-to-School Truancy Reporting and Detention Fair on Main Street
2. Flu Season Parade of Moist Tissues
1. Two words: Summer Sweatfest
TOP TEN REJECTED ADVENTURES FOR STAR TOURS 2.0
10. Your Starspeeder is captured by the powerful gravitational field surrounding William Shatner.
9. You and your fellow guests attack little kids riding brooms at Universal Studios.
8. Destination: Uranus!
7. Strafing the luggage carousels at MCO.
6. Shrunken down to the size of a ham sandwich by Darth Vader, you are devoured by Jabba the Hutt.
5. Your vehicle becomes entangled in the gigantic hair buns of the Amazing 50 Foot Princess Leia!
4. The Starspeeder is mooned by selected Star Wars characters.
3. Escape from Planet Chris Christie!
2. Attack of the Turkey Leg Clones!
1. Two Words: Buffet Battleground
TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE DISNEY WORLD SNACKS
10. Captain Jack’s Sweaty Sailor Soda
9. Stitch’s Slimy Soy Bursts
8. Davy Crockett’s Toasted Ferret Feet
7. Tinkerbell’s Very Merry Fairy Berry Non-Dairy Lighter-than-airy Spun Sugar Wads
6. Pumbaa’s Five-Alarm Chili Bombs
5. Splash Mountain Gator Grab Bags
4. Cosmic Ray’s French Fried Beet Rings
3. Uncle Roy’s Thunder Mountain Oysters
2. Bay Lake Lager
Bob Dole Whip
TOP TEM LITTLE KNOWN LOW-COST BUFFETS NEAR DISNEY WORLD
10. Freightliner’s “Road Scrapin’s” Buffeteria on 528
9. Louie’s Low Tide Surplus Seafood Feast (open only Tuesdays at the edge of the Big Walmart on 535)
8. Lil’ Paree Authentic French Hors d’oeuvres by the Kilo in Winter Park
7. Tacos, Tacos, Tacos!! Eat Here and Get Gas!! (never in the same place twice; this trailer was last seen behind the car wash at the Hess Station on Buena Vista Drive)
6. “Meat du Soleil” Carnivore Buffet and Select Circus Acts on 192
5. “Just Like Mom’s” Dinner Buffet and Guilt Party in Kissimmee
4. “Mine, Mine, Mine!” All-You-Can-Eat Seabird Specials just west of Cocoa Beach
3. The St. Cloud “Mouse Feast” Featuring Slow Roasted North Carolina Muskrat
2. The Cafeteria at Valencia Community College near St. Cloud on 192
The Official Disney Leftover Restaurant at the Premium Outlets
Top Ten Little Known Features of the 2012 DFB Guide to Walt Disney World
10. Half the calories of the 2011 edition
9. If you print it out, it’s gluten free!!
8. Pages 196-97 feature a full color fold out of Lou Mongello …dining at Bistro de Paris
7. It can be converted into a medium size popcorn container
6. It includes a coupon which, when presented in the Magic Kingdom, entitles the bearer to a turkey leg and small soft drink
5. Forty recipes for indigestion relief are included in an accompanying plastic card signed by AJ Wolfe
4. Contains a powerful endorsement written by Len Testa before a memorable couple of hours at Cava del Tequila
3. Fresh minty taste
2. It makes the menu at Nine Dragons appear somewhat palatable
Two words: Lactose tolerant
TOP TEN WAYS TO SURVIVE THE HEAT AND HUMIDITY
OF WALT DISNEY WORLD IN JULY
10. Buy a tree, decorate it, and pretend Christmas is right around the corner.
9. Encourage your friends to join you in an "O Canada!" movie marathon in Epcot.
8. Set up an old fashioned car wash stand at the Hess Gas Station across from Downtown Disney.
7. You know, even though the water around Discovery Island in Animal Kingdom is kinda green, it IS wet.
6. Challenge guests around World Showcase to discuss their chafing issues.
5. Always walk on the north side of your taller or heavier friends.
4. Swim the canals in "It's a Small World" as Atlantean mermaids and mermen.
3. Rent a barstool in Cava Tequila from noon to midnight.
2. Spend all your DDP dining credits on bottles water.
Three words: Dole Whip Underwear
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT THE "LIMITED TIME MAGIC" CAMPAIGN MAY LEAD TO DIMINISHED EXCITEMENT IN WALT DISNEY WORLD
10. Parks now offer Half Fast Passes allowing guest to move half way up the standby line.
9. Famous Disney turkey legs are being replaced by turkey knees.
8. Epcot's evening fireworks spectacular is reduced to IllumiBalkans.
7. Osborne Christmas lights are replaced by large swatches of Day-Glo paint in the backlot.
6. Tables in Wonderland dining program becomes Barstools in Bayonne fast food discount.
5. Hall of Secretaries of the Interior.
4. Those Peel n' Eat Shrimp come half peeled, half eaten.
3. Mickey's Mildly Annoying Halloween Party.
2. "Finding Nemo" stage show is transformed into an all-you-can-catch fishing derby in the river surrounding the Tree of Life.
1. Duffy the Disney Bear remains surprisingly unchanged.
TOP TEN NEW FEATURES DISNEY PROPOSES TO HELP GUESTS PLAN THEIR VISITS
You may have heard recently that Disney Parks and Resorts is investing huge amounts of money to help guest preplan their visits with its new My Magic + RFID wristbands. This may include scheduling FastPass times for attractions in advance, getting character interaction appointments and also meal reservations and parade seating. Will this be a good thing? Will it lead to better carefree planning or spontaneity-free vacations? Time will tell. Until then, consider these other time saving vacation strategies that Disney could implement:
10. Billy and Sally's Disney character autograph books come pre-signed!
9. Couldn't get that ADR at Jiko? Disney will deliver to your room a doggie bag from any restaurant and make you feel like you had really dined there!
8. "Room Only" reservations will get you the next available room regardless of specific resort request you made. No Waiting for check-in time!
7. For one low price Disney will offer little Kissimmee children to wait in line for you all day. And they are dressed like Small World characters, too!
6. Send in photos of your family and each person from little Mikey to Grandma Ellie can be photoshopped into picture perfect park scenes AS IF THEY WERE REALLY THERE!
5. Can't make time for a trip to Walt Disney World? Send for Mickey's Virtual Vacation tablets. These flavor-filled chewables contain easily digestible microscopic memory chips that instill in busy brains detailed memories of a Disney World trip.
4. Stuck in a slow moving FastPass line in Splash Mountain? Use "Disney Line Lube" to slip between those Brazilian soccer teams and hefty Iowa farm families!
3. Afraid of taking too much time out of touring by taking in a Disney all-you-can-eat meal? Try Goofy's Speedy Buffet- your dining choices include appetizer sticks, cup-a-soup, starch bowl, and protein loaf. A real time saver for busy park hoppers!
2. Worried about getting an early start at the parks in the morning? Sleep in luxury in one of the vehicles of Disney's Magical Express as it drives every night around the resort! Be first through the gate bright and early! And it is cheaper than a value resort!
Mickey's Virtual Vacation (Number 5 above) is also available as a suppository.
TOP TEN RE-THEMING IDEAS FOR WALT DISNEY WORLD ATTRACTIONS
10. "Space Mountain" becomes "Lost Luggage Limbo" where guests are hurtled around the Orlando Airport in four-person Samsonite vehicles.
9. "Jungle Cruise" can be retrofitted along the lines of HGTV's "Plan You Own Disney Back Yard" program. Guest receive complimentary Venus fly traps at the ride's end.
8. "Stitch's Great Escape" takes a page from reality TV as the audience beholds the teletransportation of Snooki from the New Jersey shore to Orlando. Simply imagine jello shots in the dark!
7. Just switch the soundtracks for "Small World" and "Haunted Mansion."
6. Under a new marketing agreement with the makers of Ty-D-Bowl toilet cleaner, Mad Tea Party becomes a tribute to effective bathroom hygiene.
5. "The Tower of Terror" takes on a festive French flair when the fast dropping elevators become "The Guillotines of Robespierre!"
4. The ever-maligned Mission: Space takes on a new guise as the producers of Cuisinart food processors present "If We Were Food."
3. All propane supplies are interrupted as Tomorrowland Speedway becomes "Gridlock!!"
2. The National Rifle Association funds the merging of the "Frontierland Arcade" and "Country Bears Jamboree" as they become "Varmints!!" a fast-shooting game of skill and cunning. Big Al's song becomes surprisingly prescient.
Three words: "Soarin' over Detroit."
TOP TEN MARVEL SUPERHEROES WE WILL PROBABLY NOT SEE IN WALT DISNEY WORLD
10. Commander Jedidiah and the Intergalactic Amish Peace Force
9. Painful Rectal Stitch
8. CrossDresser: Denizen of the Garment District
7. The Ectoplasmic Drooler
6. Norval, the Jonas Brother who Couldn't Sing
5. Titmouse, Tiny Scourge of the Las Vegas Underworld
4. FastPasser, speedy theme park superstar (not to be confused with GassPasser, a noxious villain)
3. The Arlen Spectre
2. The Phlegmaniac, The Hacking and Sniffling Cold and Flu Season Bad Guy
1. Stuffy, the Hellish Spawn of Stitch and Duffy
TOP TEN COMMENTS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN KEVIN'S RESTAURANT REVIEWS
10. The ambience was something between Waffle House and a Hess station.
9. The candlelight was so dim we were compelled to burn our menus to read them.
8. We knew this was going to be a disappointing experience when our server boasted,"May I recommend our bread pudding; it is exceptionally goopy tonight."
7. When asked about vegan offerings, our waitperson suggested we substitute the Beef Wellington with a large head of cauliflower.
6. While initially disturbed by being seated next to the restroom doors, we found later that this actually improved the taste of the food.
5. The menu was divided into three sections: Healthy Choices, Flatugenic, and Slow Suicide.
4. While the tuna was described in the menu as "fresh catch of the day," it was served with bits of green foil featuring the chef's nickname "ken of the sea."
3. While not specifically rude to us, the server's frequent use of the words "Achtung" and "Dipshit" was unsettling.
2. The meal could have only been improved with a dash of saffron and the availability of a defibrillator.
"Disney Dining Plan?? Real guests pay cash."
TOP TEN EXHIBITS EXCLUDED FROM INNOVENTIONS
10. Corning's "Fun with Glass Shards"
9. Robitussin's "Phlegm Magic"
8. Señor Raoul's "Exploracion Sexuelle"
7. Miracle-Gro's "Peat Moss World"
6. "Health Care Highjinx" with Governor Rick Scott
5. NBC's "Let's Get the Hell Out of Here and Go to Universal!"
4. "Wrinkle City" sponsored by AARP
3. Aetna Insurance's "Ten Minute Colonoscopies"
2. "Four Hour Frenzy" sponsored by Viagra
1. 1,001 Uses for your ShamWow!
TOP TEN FEATURES OF THE 2014 DISNEY DINING PLAN
10. All Yachtsman Steakhouse entrees are certified 100% Prime Vertebrate
9. Counter Service meal entitles you to bottled water, Doritos, and a Tums.
8. Nobel Prize winning economist Paul Krugman is available by phone 24/7 to answer your questions on the best DDP values.
7. All the wines available on the Deluxe Plan are from Paterson, New Jersey.
6. Servers are now 45% more rude at Bistro de Paris.
5. Personally endorsed by Chris Christie.
4. For guests with dentures entrees can be ordered pre-chewed.
3. Leftover food credits can only be used for leftovers.
2. Adults may eat from the children's menu on weekdays, children can get an adult entree but with no dessert on weekends, however, with the Counter Service plan, entrees are from a special list that will be posted no earlier than 11 AM, and Le Cellier no longer......oh, forget it.
1. Fresh minty taste.
TOP TEN SENIOR CITIZEN ACTIVITIES AT WALT DISNEY WORLD
10. Riding Space Mountain without Depends
9. Loudly shouting to all the guests around you on Ellen's Energy Adventure that you remember Jamie Lee Curtis' mother in Psycho
8. Grossing out the kids in line for Dumbo with your ostomy bag
7. Ostentatiously carrying around to every park an urn with "Grandpa" engraved on it.
6. Wearing a T-shirt that reads "DNR"
5. Requesting that your steak at Le Cellier be served pre-chewed
4. Laying down in a Doom Buggy and continuing to travel around in Haunted Mansion all afternoon
3. Asking every cast member when the 3:00 parade will start
2. Chatting up Warren Harding and Calvin Coolidge in the Hall of Presidents show
1. Three words: Eliminations in Epcot!